Monday, November 14, 2011
Pretty sure this Craig's List ad is a rape trap
Want to form a small group of eclectic, acoustic musicians, for jam sessions, open mics and future gigging. Want a female to sing lead, back-up and harmony and preferably play an instrument. Though, playing or not isn't a sticking point. Also want keyboard player, acoustic bass and a lead/rhythm guitarist, with all contributing to vocals. Me, I play a tolerable finger-style rhythm guitar and can sing well enough to carry a tune. We can practice in my living room. I have a small PA, a keyboard decent enough for practice, a couple of decent mics, an 8 track recorder/workstation. and other assorted gear. Admittedly, I'm a little rusty from having not played with anyone in awhile, but I still pick around by myself often enough to keep my chops close to par. Age is of no consequence, though I am middle aged.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Hipster Fashion/Trend Report From Hopscotch 2011( or, Really, Hipsters....Really??)
Ok gang, you know me....I go to a lot of shows and in recently there has been no greater godsend than to have the Hopscotch Festival happening right in my North Carolina proverbial back yard. Hell, just this second year of the festival brought us the likes of Flaming Lips, Guided By Voices, Superchunk, Beach Fossils, Drive By Truckers, The Swans, and so many more. Now, this being said it means that I also am many times forced to be thrown smack dab into the midst of my sworn enemies, the hipsters. While I scoff at their whole "been there done that" attitude and "OMG look at me, I am such a nerd in my goodwill t and film school glasses," I also must admit that I do quietly observe them and their behavior. It's for an ongoing sociology paper that I am writing for my own, personal research. It has led me to some pretty mind boggling discoveries:
1. When the fuck did cowboy boots become cool for people who AREN'T clubbing in the eighties in the wake of the John Travolta classic, Urban Cowboy? Seriously, did I miss a fucking meeting here? I saw hipster girls in hot pants AND cowboy boots! Cowboy boots don't go with any shorts.....and hot pants don't work for anyone.......but TOGETHER?! The saddest moment, for me, were the two hipster girls I kept seeing: one in the cowboy boots, the other one in another come back: moccasins. Oddly enough, for two people immersed in a culture obsessed with irony.....that very thing seemed truly lost on them. How..........ironic.
2. If I see another large group of inebriated on hard to pronounce imported beer asshats down front at a show doing nothing but posing for cell phone pictures with each other while the band is playing, I am going to film myself surgically removing Morrissey's voice box and post it on makeoutclub. Actually.......I'm probably just going to do that anyway.
3. Hey, perfectly tosseled hair guy....the sweat band wasn't cool when Loverboy did it back in 84, so I doubt you doing it is going to raise the bar any.
4. Please remember to shower between festival days, sleeveless belly shirt wearing vaguely gay guy, you smell like a YMCA locker room caught on fire.
5. Ladies....the tights don't hide your obvious cellulite. You're fooling no one, except for maybe your boyfriend....sleeveless belly shirt wearing vaguely gay guy.
6. The bar tender is not into you......just stop, already....and tip well.
7. If you're going to wear a skirt, seriously....shave your legs. The same goes for your pits if you're sans sleeves......unless you're vaguely gay and it's a belly shirt.
8. He may look like Julian Cassablancas in the dark after twelve PBRs....but to my sober eyes....and your eventually hungover walk of shame ones....he looks more like what I imagine Michael Jackson's corpse looks like at this moment.
9. No, these aren't American Spirits.
10. No, this isn't whiskey....it's called water, you should try it sometimes....and having once been an alcoholic, I've never encountered CLEAR WHISKEY! Read a book.....one that isn't Perks of Being a fucking Wallflower.
11. Yes, I do own a record player at home.........because I actually listen to the records I buy and don't just buy them so I look cool and "old school." I mean, I am.......but still.
12. Does it count as rape if she was already unconscious when the guy got to second base....on a couch........in the corner of the club....during the show.......in front of everyone?
13. No sight on earth will blow your mind quite like seeing guys in tuxedos and women in ball gowns walking out of a symphony having to pass goth girls in motorcycle goggles and dyed black dreadlocks walking out of a Swans show so they can get to their limos. It was my own personal 9/11........never forget.
All jokes aside, it was an amazing time and I'm so glad something like this is happening here. I know it is giving a lot of people work and bringing heaps of business to the triangle during a tough time in our economy. Hopefully no one from The Indy or the Hopscotch committee reads this and bans me for life. Actually, if you do read this.....I hope you chuckle, and...I dunno......give me a job writing a column? *hint hint*
1. When the fuck did cowboy boots become cool for people who AREN'T clubbing in the eighties in the wake of the John Travolta classic, Urban Cowboy? Seriously, did I miss a fucking meeting here? I saw hipster girls in hot pants AND cowboy boots! Cowboy boots don't go with any shorts.....and hot pants don't work for anyone.......but TOGETHER?! The saddest moment, for me, were the two hipster girls I kept seeing: one in the cowboy boots, the other one in another come back: moccasins. Oddly enough, for two people immersed in a culture obsessed with irony.....that very thing seemed truly lost on them. How..........ironic.
2. If I see another large group of inebriated on hard to pronounce imported beer asshats down front at a show doing nothing but posing for cell phone pictures with each other while the band is playing, I am going to film myself surgically removing Morrissey's voice box and post it on makeoutclub. Actually.......I'm probably just going to do that anyway.
3. Hey, perfectly tosseled hair guy....the sweat band wasn't cool when Loverboy did it back in 84, so I doubt you doing it is going to raise the bar any.
4. Please remember to shower between festival days, sleeveless belly shirt wearing vaguely gay guy, you smell like a YMCA locker room caught on fire.
5. Ladies....the tights don't hide your obvious cellulite. You're fooling no one, except for maybe your boyfriend....sleeveless belly shirt wearing vaguely gay guy.
6. The bar tender is not into you......just stop, already....and tip well.
7. If you're going to wear a skirt, seriously....shave your legs. The same goes for your pits if you're sans sleeves......unless you're vaguely gay and it's a belly shirt.
8. He may look like Julian Cassablancas in the dark after twelve PBRs....but to my sober eyes....and your eventually hungover walk of shame ones....he looks more like what I imagine Michael Jackson's corpse looks like at this moment.
9. No, these aren't American Spirits.
10. No, this isn't whiskey....it's called water, you should try it sometimes....and having once been an alcoholic, I've never encountered CLEAR WHISKEY! Read a book.....one that isn't Perks of Being a fucking Wallflower.
11. Yes, I do own a record player at home.........because I actually listen to the records I buy and don't just buy them so I look cool and "old school." I mean, I am.......but still.
12. Does it count as rape if she was already unconscious when the guy got to second base....on a couch........in the corner of the club....during the show.......in front of everyone?
13. No sight on earth will blow your mind quite like seeing guys in tuxedos and women in ball gowns walking out of a symphony having to pass goth girls in motorcycle goggles and dyed black dreadlocks walking out of a Swans show so they can get to their limos. It was my own personal 9/11........never forget.
All jokes aside, it was an amazing time and I'm so glad something like this is happening here. I know it is giving a lot of people work and bringing heaps of business to the triangle during a tough time in our economy. Hopefully no one from The Indy or the Hopscotch committee reads this and bans me for life. Actually, if you do read this.....I hope you chuckle, and...I dunno......give me a job writing a column? *hint hint*
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Scenes From The Road Side Part One: Ted goes to Forest City, discovers the meaning of "hill folk."
Hop in, fair readers, and be sure to buckle up tight as I whip through many facts about Forest City I discovered while staying there for a wedding. All of this took place in less than fifteen hours between checking in and checking out of the hotel:
*Apparently the hotel's air conditioning system has scented air flow in two settings: weed and crystal meth.
*If you gladly pay the Indian hotel desk clerk in cash, he will give you a two percent discount....so long as you're a guy.
*Wondering where the scented air originated from like we were? Look no further than the next door neighbor with the nappy rat tail of a mullet who was dipping his blistered feet into the dirty pool as we were getting ready to go to the wedding. How dirty was it? It looked like the pool was filled with rancid milk instead of water. As we left, this same dirty homeless looking guy was in the room next to us on the bed with the door propped open. His room mate, who looked like a much rougher version of Jesse Pinkman, was outside the room on his cell phone but as soon as we walked out he hurried back into his room.
*Like most of the other people attending, we got our directions from the wedding site's webpage which specifically said "use our directions, do not mapquest/google them." Who would have guessed they'd give us directions to the wrong part of the property? Imagine our surprise to be going downhill on a one lane gravel road which wound deeper and deeper into the woods. We kept listening for two things: chainsaws and Dueling Banjos.
*Eventually, a friend of ours who had made the same mistake found the site and led us there by cell phone call. Unfortunately, we have now missed the wedding but are just in time for the reception. Luckily, our friends promise us that the wedding stenographer will send us the complete transcript in a few days.
*After the first dance and such, we say our goodbyes and make our way back to the hotel. Our friends, the hillbilly meth heads crack the curtains to see if we're their dealer/the cops. Obviously, we are neither one...we just want out of our monkey suits.
*After sitting around talking in the room for a bit, we all collectively agree that we want some fucking milkshakes. The decision is made to hit the Wendy's we passed on the way to the hotel. We are in the car and down the road in a flash only to discover this must be the only Wendy's on the face of the earth that doesn't have an all night drive thru. Fuck it, Mcdonald's is nearby and they have better milkshake choices anyway.
* "Yeah, could I get a large fry and three Mcflurries please?" "Naw, suga'....our shake machine is down cuz somebody dun went and poured buttermilk into it."
*We laugh, then decide fuck it we'll just go in and get regular food because we are kind of hungry. After much deliberation with the inbred monstrosity behind the counter with the cock eyes and the adult braces on due to the fact that almost every machine seems to be down or else they're out of this or that, we back up and talk amongst ourselves. Ralph asks if he can get a Mcgangbang primarily to fuck with the girl (?) working, and the look on her face is just priceless as she goes "wuuuuuut?!" I think she may have shit her pants a little bit as she said that, scrunching her face and furrowing her unibrow in an attempt to think.
*As we are talking out whether or not to just go to a third place, a cop walks in and promptly goes behind the counter. As if that weren't odd enough, he walks over to a fryer and takes down a thing of mcnuggets and drops it into it and begins cooking them up himself. A few minutes go by and he brings them up, drops them into one of those boxes they come in and says thanks and walks from behind the counter to a table and starts eating. We bullshit our way through an order immediately, look at each other and say "Let's get the fuck out of here," then we do exactly that.
*Once back in the room, we all slowly but surely discover that we are fairly certain our food wasn't even cooked....all rock hard fries and cold chicken. If only we had asked the cop to handle it, we may be better off right now.
*The hotel claims we get HBO, but we discover so few channels once we cut on the TV that we are just amazed we get PBS. Cheap Trick are on Austin City Limits, awesome.
*A knock comes at the door at around one in the morning, and it is here that we discover the peephole is jammed with dirt so you have to squint to see. We are terrified it's the meth head neighbors, but upon squinting we see it's just our friend, Mike. Our hearts don't stop beating in our throats for an hour.
*Despite the lights working being plugged into the outlets which I remove to charge my phone, I don't discover one that will work for it for something like thirty minutes in the room.
*In the morning, I discover that while the website said each room came with complimentary coffee and a machine what they should have said was "complimentary CUP of coffee" as it is one of those single serving machines.
*Denny's is only moderately busy when we get there for breakfast, but it still takes them forty five minutes to bring us our order.
*At one point I step out to smoke while we're still waiting for our food and I discover that the lame claw machine just outside the door with only five prizes in it contains a copy of National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation....that is the most spot on movie review I've seen in some time.
*Across the street from the Denny's is a sporting good's store ran out of what looks like a bunch of connected single wides called Bubba's.
*We opt to take back roads into Morganton for a more scenic drive before we get to the interstate. This leads to my witnessing this oxymoron somewhere in Linville: a church called Independent Fundamentalist Church.
*At Linville Gorge, where it clearly states next to a little wooden fence to not go passed this point out onto the rocks, we watch as beer gut and peach fuzz mustachioed man steps over said fence to walk out onto the rocks right in front of his visibly upset son. Way to go, dad.
*While there, I notice two different blind people being brought down the trail to the overlook....I guess to LISTEN to the gorge and waterfalls?
*Going into Morganton becomes an impromptu tour of every mom and pop gas station we see as I suddenly have to piss really bad. I suspect it can be blamed squarely on that shitty complimentary cup of coffee in the hotel. Every last one either doesn't have a bathroom, is closed, or the bathroom is out of order. In this time, I come to notice that Morganton apparently LOVES pot because every single gas station has copies of High Times, Skunk and Weed World. As a matter of fact, the last gas station in this tour (that winds up having a bathroom that actual works) not only has this magazines out on the rack where anyone can get them...it also has every porno magazine you can think of on the BOTTOM shelf at eye level with any child. God bless America.
Join me again for our next Scenes From The Roadside in a week from now as I venture out to Raleigh for the Hopscotch Music Festival.
*Apparently the hotel's air conditioning system has scented air flow in two settings: weed and crystal meth.
*If you gladly pay the Indian hotel desk clerk in cash, he will give you a two percent discount....so long as you're a guy.
*Wondering where the scented air originated from like we were? Look no further than the next door neighbor with the nappy rat tail of a mullet who was dipping his blistered feet into the dirty pool as we were getting ready to go to the wedding. How dirty was it? It looked like the pool was filled with rancid milk instead of water. As we left, this same dirty homeless looking guy was in the room next to us on the bed with the door propped open. His room mate, who looked like a much rougher version of Jesse Pinkman, was outside the room on his cell phone but as soon as we walked out he hurried back into his room.
*Like most of the other people attending, we got our directions from the wedding site's webpage which specifically said "use our directions, do not mapquest/google them." Who would have guessed they'd give us directions to the wrong part of the property? Imagine our surprise to be going downhill on a one lane gravel road which wound deeper and deeper into the woods. We kept listening for two things: chainsaws and Dueling Banjos.
*Eventually, a friend of ours who had made the same mistake found the site and led us there by cell phone call. Unfortunately, we have now missed the wedding but are just in time for the reception. Luckily, our friends promise us that the wedding stenographer will send us the complete transcript in a few days.
*After the first dance and such, we say our goodbyes and make our way back to the hotel. Our friends, the hillbilly meth heads crack the curtains to see if we're their dealer/the cops. Obviously, we are neither one...we just want out of our monkey suits.
*After sitting around talking in the room for a bit, we all collectively agree that we want some fucking milkshakes. The decision is made to hit the Wendy's we passed on the way to the hotel. We are in the car and down the road in a flash only to discover this must be the only Wendy's on the face of the earth that doesn't have an all night drive thru. Fuck it, Mcdonald's is nearby and they have better milkshake choices anyway.
* "Yeah, could I get a large fry and three Mcflurries please?" "Naw, suga'....our shake machine is down cuz somebody dun went and poured buttermilk into it."
*We laugh, then decide fuck it we'll just go in and get regular food because we are kind of hungry. After much deliberation with the inbred monstrosity behind the counter with the cock eyes and the adult braces on due to the fact that almost every machine seems to be down or else they're out of this or that, we back up and talk amongst ourselves. Ralph asks if he can get a Mcgangbang primarily to fuck with the girl (?) working, and the look on her face is just priceless as she goes "wuuuuuut?!" I think she may have shit her pants a little bit as she said that, scrunching her face and furrowing her unibrow in an attempt to think.
*As we are talking out whether or not to just go to a third place, a cop walks in and promptly goes behind the counter. As if that weren't odd enough, he walks over to a fryer and takes down a thing of mcnuggets and drops it into it and begins cooking them up himself. A few minutes go by and he brings them up, drops them into one of those boxes they come in and says thanks and walks from behind the counter to a table and starts eating. We bullshit our way through an order immediately, look at each other and say "Let's get the fuck out of here," then we do exactly that.
*Once back in the room, we all slowly but surely discover that we are fairly certain our food wasn't even cooked....all rock hard fries and cold chicken. If only we had asked the cop to handle it, we may be better off right now.
*The hotel claims we get HBO, but we discover so few channels once we cut on the TV that we are just amazed we get PBS. Cheap Trick are on Austin City Limits, awesome.
*A knock comes at the door at around one in the morning, and it is here that we discover the peephole is jammed with dirt so you have to squint to see. We are terrified it's the meth head neighbors, but upon squinting we see it's just our friend, Mike. Our hearts don't stop beating in our throats for an hour.
*Despite the lights working being plugged into the outlets which I remove to charge my phone, I don't discover one that will work for it for something like thirty minutes in the room.
*In the morning, I discover that while the website said each room came with complimentary coffee and a machine what they should have said was "complimentary CUP of coffee" as it is one of those single serving machines.
*Denny's is only moderately busy when we get there for breakfast, but it still takes them forty five minutes to bring us our order.
*At one point I step out to smoke while we're still waiting for our food and I discover that the lame claw machine just outside the door with only five prizes in it contains a copy of National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation....that is the most spot on movie review I've seen in some time.
*Across the street from the Denny's is a sporting good's store ran out of what looks like a bunch of connected single wides called Bubba's.
*We opt to take back roads into Morganton for a more scenic drive before we get to the interstate. This leads to my witnessing this oxymoron somewhere in Linville: a church called Independent Fundamentalist Church.
*At Linville Gorge, where it clearly states next to a little wooden fence to not go passed this point out onto the rocks, we watch as beer gut and peach fuzz mustachioed man steps over said fence to walk out onto the rocks right in front of his visibly upset son. Way to go, dad.
*While there, I notice two different blind people being brought down the trail to the overlook....I guess to LISTEN to the gorge and waterfalls?
*Going into Morganton becomes an impromptu tour of every mom and pop gas station we see as I suddenly have to piss really bad. I suspect it can be blamed squarely on that shitty complimentary cup of coffee in the hotel. Every last one either doesn't have a bathroom, is closed, or the bathroom is out of order. In this time, I come to notice that Morganton apparently LOVES pot because every single gas station has copies of High Times, Skunk and Weed World. As a matter of fact, the last gas station in this tour (that winds up having a bathroom that actual works) not only has this magazines out on the rack where anyone can get them...it also has every porno magazine you can think of on the BOTTOM shelf at eye level with any child. God bless America.
Join me again for our next Scenes From The Roadside in a week from now as I venture out to Raleigh for the Hopscotch Music Festival.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Who writes this shit?!
These two passages are ripped word for word (except for the case of names, out of respect for the deceased) from two actual obituaries featured in the local paper in the last three months:
"Bobby wanted nothing more in life than to be a pilot, and had logged plenty of flight hours in his thirteen years. He had never flown solo until the day he completed a non stop flight to Heaven."
"Julie completed her victorious battle with cancer on August 19th."
"Bobby wanted nothing more in life than to be a pilot, and had logged plenty of flight hours in his thirteen years. He had never flown solo until the day he completed a non stop flight to Heaven."
"Julie completed her victorious battle with cancer on August 19th."
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Just For Men Beard Treatment Is Great For The Hair Down There!
An actual comment from product review of this item on google shopping:
One thing about being blonde is that the carpet does match the drapes, at least in my case. I have always had light pubes, which matches the rest of my body hair. Not a bad look if you like it. However, I have always admired the look of dark pubes on other men in the locker room and have always wanted to have that look for myself. After trying this product, I have definitely found the look that I've always wanted. I'm in my early 30's and have been using this product for almost a year now with incredible results.
All you do is brush in the 2 part gel, let set, rinse out with warm water, then wash the area with soap as normal. For a darker brown, I usually leave the application on for a total of 8-10 minutes (the instructions recommend 5). The color lasts a while but does begin to fade at around 6 weeks. I usually reapply after 4 weeks to maintain a my ideal look. There is enough gel for multiple applications, usually around 3-4 total, depending on how much hair you have to cover.
This is a great product despite the many people who experience an allergic reaction to hair dye products. If you do experience a severe reaction, stop using the product. If you do not experience a reaction, you'll love the result. If you have always wanted darker pubes or if you have started to go gray, give this product a try. You won't be disappointed!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
HoneyHoneyClub on sexinfo101 is a comedic genius
I like to use this position when my gf doing the housework, I silently come out from her back side and fucking her from the back..she so flabby when I fuck her. When women doing the home work is the best time, and show that they're very sexy...she so wet when I am keeping fucking her and she so enjoys the deeping that I have done for her...I can't stopping when she reply me her moaning,..I like to hearing the moaning she made,..she so co-operate to keep moaning, every time she wanted the deeping I fucking she will recall the moaning me, and I will give her the best fucking...till we all tired...
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