Ok gang, you know me....I go to a lot of shows and in recently there has been no greater godsend than to have the Hopscotch Festival happening right in my North Carolina proverbial back yard. Hell, just this second year of the festival brought us the likes of Flaming Lips, Guided By Voices, Superchunk, Beach Fossils, Drive By Truckers, The Swans, and so many more. Now, this being said it means that I also am many times forced to be thrown smack dab into the midst of my sworn enemies, the hipsters. While I scoff at their whole "been there done that" attitude and "OMG look at me, I am such a nerd in my goodwill t and film school glasses," I also must admit that I do quietly observe them and their behavior. It's for an ongoing sociology paper that I am writing for my own, personal research. It has led me to some pretty mind boggling discoveries:
1. When the fuck did cowboy boots become cool for people who AREN'T clubbing in the eighties in the wake of the John Travolta classic, Urban Cowboy? Seriously, did I miss a fucking meeting here? I saw hipster girls in hot pants AND cowboy boots! Cowboy boots don't go with any shorts.....and hot pants don't work for anyone.......but TOGETHER?! The saddest moment, for me, were the two hipster girls I kept seeing: one in the cowboy boots, the other one in another come back: moccasins. Oddly enough, for two people immersed in a culture obsessed with irony.....that very thing seemed truly lost on them. How..........ironic.
2. If I see another large group of inebriated on hard to pronounce imported beer asshats down front at a show doing nothing but posing for cell phone pictures with each other while the band is playing, I am going to film myself surgically removing Morrissey's voice box and post it on makeoutclub. Actually.......I'm probably just going to do that anyway.
3. Hey, perfectly tosseled hair guy....the sweat band wasn't cool when Loverboy did it back in 84, so I doubt you doing it is going to raise the bar any.
4. Please remember to shower between festival days, sleeveless belly shirt wearing vaguely gay guy, you smell like a YMCA locker room caught on fire.
5. Ladies....the tights don't hide your obvious cellulite. You're fooling no one, except for maybe your boyfriend....sleeveless belly shirt wearing vaguely gay guy.
6. The bar tender is not into you......just stop, already....and tip well.
7. If you're going to wear a skirt, seriously....shave your legs. The same goes for your pits if you're sans sleeves......unless you're vaguely gay and it's a belly shirt.
8. He may look like Julian Cassablancas in the dark after twelve PBRs....but to my sober eyes....and your eventually hungover walk of shame ones....he looks more like what I imagine Michael Jackson's corpse looks like at this moment.
9. No, these aren't American Spirits.
10. No, this isn't whiskey....it's called water, you should try it sometimes....and having once been an alcoholic, I've never encountered CLEAR WHISKEY! Read a book.....one that isn't Perks of Being a fucking Wallflower.
11. Yes, I do own a record player at home.........because I actually listen to the records I buy and don't just buy them so I look cool and "old school." I mean, I am.......but still.
12. Does it count as rape if she was already unconscious when the guy got to second base....on a couch........in the corner of the club....during the show.......in front of everyone?
13. No sight on earth will blow your mind quite like seeing guys in tuxedos and women in ball gowns walking out of a symphony having to pass goth girls in motorcycle goggles and dyed black dreadlocks walking out of a Swans show so they can get to their limos. It was my own personal 9/11........never forget.
All jokes aside, it was an amazing time and I'm so glad something like this is happening here. I know it is giving a lot of people work and bringing heaps of business to the triangle during a tough time in our economy. Hopefully no one from The Indy or the Hopscotch committee reads this and bans me for life. Actually, if you do read this.....I hope you chuckle, and...I dunno......give me a job writing a column? *hint hint*
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